The first holiday season after divorce can feel like navigating a minefield of emotions—grief, guilt, loneliness—while trying to create joy for your children. Between coordinating custody schedules, managing judgmental family members, and confronting empty chairs at the dinner table, it’s no wonder many people describe this time of year as the hardest to navigate post-divorce

We’re Jonathan & Amy Kales, the husband & wife divorce mediation team of Kales & Kales, PLC.  We’ve helped guide many families through this exact transition. Often parents who thought they’d never celebrate again discover new traditions that honor their family’s evolution, but sometimes couples encounter avoidable holiday disasters caused by poor planning and unresolved legal ambiguities.

Here’s what we’ve learned: Successfully navigating divorce during the holidays requires both emotional coping strategies and practical legal preparation. This article combines evidence-based psychological guidance with Virginia-specific custody considerations to help you not just survive the holidays—but potentially find unexpected moments of peace and even joy.

The Emotional Landscape of Divorce During the Holidays

Holiday grief after divorce is compounded by societal expectations of “family togetherness” that dominate every commercial, social media feed, and well-meaning relative’s conversation. Psychologists call this “anticipatory loss”—you’re mourning not just what was, but what you thought the future would look like.¹

Research from the National Institute of Mental Health shows that divorced individuals experience holiday depression at rates 35% higher than the general population.² This isn’t weakness—it’s a normal response to simultaneous losses: partnership, daily routines with children, financial security, and the idealized “intact family” vision.

What actually helps:

Acknowledge the loss. It’s okay—necessary, even—to grieve traditions that no longer exist. You don’t have to pretend you’re fine. It’s okay to feel the feels.  If it’s not your year to have the kids on Christmas morning, it may help to schedule a “grief hour” on Christmas morning before they arrive: listen to sad music, look at old photos, and cry if you need to. Then get yourself showered, put on something festive, and then be genuinely be present when the kids knock on the door.

Normalize mixed emotions. Sadness and relief can coexist. Loneliness and liberation can both be true. The American Psychological Association emphasizes that emotional complexity is a sign of healthy processing, not confusion.³

Avoid “should” thinking. “I should be happy for the kids.” “I should be over this by now.” “I should enjoy my freedom.” These cognitive distortions increase shame without changing your actual feelings. Replace “should” with “I feel” statements that honor your reality.

We tell our clients: You’re not failing if you cry on Christmas morning. You’re human. The goal isn’t to eliminate sadness—it’s to prevent sadness from eliminating all possibility of joy.

While emotions are valid and deserve acknowledgment, having a clear legal framework reduces the uncertainty that amplifies emotional distress.

Legal Considerations for Holiday Custody in Virginia

Virginia law allows parenting plan modifications when circumstances change, but the process differs dramatically between mediation and litigation—particularly timing, which matters enormously when holidays are weeks away.

Under Virginia Code § 20-108, courts may modify custody or visitation arrangements if there’s been a material change in circumstances affecting the child’s welfare.⁴ Most parenting plans created during divorce address major holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year’s), but they often lack specificity: Who gets Christmas Eve versus Christmas Day? What time does the exchange happen? What if someone wants to travel out of state?

In our years of mediating Virginia divorces, we’ve noticed holidays are one of the most common triggers for modification of the parenting provisions of Marital Settlement Agreements. The good news: if both parents agree, modifications can happen through mediation without court involvement. The bad news: if you wait until the week before Christmas to address conflicts, your options narrow dramatically.

Timeline matters: Mediation typically resolves holiday disputes in 1-2 sessions. Unless you’re filing an emergency petition, it can be much harder to get on the court’s docket, therefore when you litigate a holiday parenting problem, you may run the risk of not getting a ruling prior to the holidays.

 Mediation vs. Litigation for Holiday Schedule Changes

The legal framework matters, but day-to-day co-parenting during the holidays requires proactive communication strategies that prevent conflicts from reaching mediation or court.

Co-Parenting Communication Strategies for the Holidays

Effective holiday co-parenting requires what we call “businesslike” communication—focused on children’s needs, not past grievances or score-keeping. The Centers for Disease Control reports that healthy co-parenting communication reduces child anxiety by up to 40% during family transitions.⁶

Strategies that work:

1. Written confirmation for all changes. Text or email every schedule adjustment, even minor ones. “Confirming: I’ll pick up Emma at 4pm on Christmas Eve from your house, return her at noon on Christmas Day.” This creates documentation if disputes arise and eliminates “he said, she said” conflicts.
2. Two-week advance notice minimum. If you need to modify the plan, propose changes at least 14 days ahead—not 48 hours before Christmas. Last-minute requests feel disrespectful and put the other parent in an impossible position.
3. Child-centered language. Frame requests around children’s welfare: “Emma mentioned she’s anxious about missing her cousin’s birthday party on the 23rd. Could we swap weekends so she can attend?” This is more effective than “It’s not fair that I always miss family events.”
4. Flexibility reciprocity. If you need Christmas Eve this year for your family’s tradition, offer New Year’s Day next year. Generosity builds goodwill that pays dividends when you need flexibility.

What to do when communication breaks down: If your ex consistently ignores the agreed schedule or refuses reasonable modifications, document everything (save texts, emails, note missed exchanges). Then consult a mediator before filing a Petition for a Rule to Show Cause—litigation should be the last resort, not the first response.

We’ve seen parents who seemingly dislike each other successfully co-parent by treating it like a business partnership: cordial, professional, transactional. You don’t have to be friends. You just have to be reliable.

Practical Steps to Navigate Holiday Stress

Small, concrete actions reduce overwhelm and restore a sense of control when everything feels chaotic. Based on patterns I’ve observed across numerous cases, here’s what actually makes a difference:

6-Step Process for Holiday Preparation

1. Review your parenting plan now. Pull out your custody agreement and read the exact holiday language. Does it say “Christmas” or specify Christmas Eve 6pm-Christmas Day 6pm? Ambiguity causes conflict. If the language is vague, propose clarifications through mediation before November.
2. Propose adjustments early. If you anticipate needing changes (new partner wants to attend family gathering, work requires travel, religious observance scheduling), initiate mediation by October. Emergency motions filed in late November may cost $5,000 or more in legal fees and still might not be resolved before the holiday passes.
3. Set boundaries with extended family. You don’t owe anyone an explanation about your custody arrangement. Practice this script: “We’re following the parenting plan the court approved. The kids are fine.” Then change the subject. Well-meaning relatives often make things worse by taking sides or offering unsolicited advice.
4. Plan solo self-care. On days when your children are with your ex, schedule something restorative: massage, therapy session, hike with a friend, volunteer work. Empty time invites rumination. Purposeful time builds resilience.
5. Use a six-month check-in. Schedule a January check-in or review session with your ex-spouse. Use the time to address what worked and what didn’t: “The Christmas Eve exchange at 8pm was too late for the kids. Can we shift it to 4pm next year?”

The October rule: Clients who address holiday schedule issues in October have smooth, drama-free celebrations. Clients who wait until the week of Christmas? Chaos, expensive legal fees, and disappointed children.

Creating New Traditions That Honor Your Family’s Evolution

New traditions aren’t betrayals of the past—they’re age-appropriate adaptations that acknowledge change while creating positive new associations for your children.

The Child Mind Institute’s research shows that establishing new family rituals reduces anxiety in children of divorce by giving them predictability in an otherwise disrupted environment.⁷ Children don’t need expensive or elaborate celebrations. They need consistency, warmth, and your presence.

Ideas that work across different family structures:

Gratitude jar on Thanksgiving. Each family member writes three things they’re grateful for on slips of paper. Read them aloud before the meal. This ritual is portable (works whether kids are with you or not) and creates a positive focus.

Christmas morning scavenger hunt. Instead of the traditional “presents under the tree” that invites comparison to “before,” create a new ritual: hide gifts around the house with clues. Kids love the adventure, and it feels distinct from past celebrations.

New Year’s “wishes for the year” ceremony. Each person writes down three hopes for the coming year and one thing they’re leaving behind. This acknowledges loss while orienting toward the future.

Hanukkah cooking night. Turn meal preparation into a tradition: kids help make latkes, set the menorah, choose songs. The activity becomes the memory, not just the consumption.

“Pajama Christmas” or other low-pressure alternatives. Don’t force formal events with fancy clothes or overschedule the kids during the holidays.  Enjoy family time in PJs, homemade pancakes, and board games. A relaxed Christmas may become your kids’ “favorite Christmas ever” because Mom/Dad was relaxed and fun instead of frantic.

Permission statement: It’s okay if your new traditions are simpler, quieter, or completely different from what you did during your marriage. Different isn’t worse. In fact, many of my clients report that their post-divorce holidays feel more authentic and less performative—less about appearances, more about genuine connection.

What not to do: Don’t try to recreate exact replicas of past holidays. Don’t use holidays as opportunities to bad-mouth your ex or pump kids for information about the other parent’s celebration.

FAQ: Common Questions About Divorce and the Holidays

Can I change our parenting plan just for the holidays?

Yes, if both parents agree. In Virginia, you can modify a parenting plan without court involvement as long as the changes serve the child’s best interests under Va. Code § 20-108.⁴ Temporary holiday adjustments are common—for example, alternating who gets Christmas Eve versus Christmas Day this year if one parent needs to travel for a family emergency.

The key is mutual agreement and documentation. A text exchange saying “You take Thanksgiving this year, I’ll take Christmas, we’ll switch next year” is legally binding if both parents honor it. However, written mediation agreements and incorporation into a court order provide stronger protection.

If your ex won’t agree to needed modifications, a mediator may be able to find compromise within 1-2 sessions—much faster and cheaper than the litigation timeline.

What if my ex won’t follow the holiday schedule?

First, document the violation meticulously: save text messages, email screenshots, notes about missed exchanges with dates and times, and names of any witnesses present.

Then follow this escalation sequence:

1. Direct communication: “Our parenting plan says I have Thanksgiving this year (copy of relevant section attached). Can we confirm the pickup time and location?” Keep the tone neutral and child-focused.
2. Mediation: If direct communication fails, request mediation through your family law attorney or contact a mediator directly. Most holiday schedule disputes resolve in mediation within 1-2 sessions.
3. Court enforcement (last resort): File a contempt motion in Virginia Circuit Court. However, understand litigation may be expensive and slower than mediation—the hearing might not occur until after the holiday has passed. Courts can impose penalties including makeup time, attorney fee reimbursement, or even jail time for willful violations, but judges prefer parties resolve issues through mediation.

Strategic note: Judges view parents who attempt mediation before filing court motions more favorably than parents who immediately weaponize the court system.

How do I handle my kids’ questions about why we’re not all together?

Age-appropriate honesty works best, adapted to your child’s developmental stage:

Young children (ages 4-8): “Mommy and Daddy live in different houses now, but we both love you so, so much. That will never change. You get to celebrate with Mommy today and with Daddy on Christmas. Twice the fun!” Keep it simple, concrete, and reassuring.

School-age children (ages 9-12): “Sometimes adults need to live separately to be happier and healthier. When we’re happier, we can be better parents to you. This doesn’t change how much we love you or that we’re both still your parents forever.” Acknowledge the change without overwhelming them with adult details.

Teenagers (13+): “You know that Mom and I had serious problems in our marriage. We tried to work it out, but sometimes divorce is the healthiest choice for everyone. I know this changes our family traditions, but we’re going to create new ones that can be just as meaningful.” Teens can handle more nuance but still need reassurance that they’re not responsible for the split.

What to avoid: Never blame the other parent (“This is all your father’s fault”). Never use children as messengers or spies (“What did Mommy say about me? Who was at her house?”). Never force children to take sides or express preference for one parent’s celebration over the other’s celebration.

Resources like Zero to Three offer excellent scripts for age-appropriate conversations about family transitions.⁸

Is it normal to feel guilty about enjoying myself when my kids are with my ex?

Absolutely normal—and worth actively challenging. Many divorced parents, especially mothers, struggle with guilt about “missing” holidays with children or feeling happy during solo time.

Here’s what research from the American Psychological Association shows: Parents who prioritize self-care and model healthy coping have children who adjust better to divorce.⁹ When you take care of your mental health, you have more emotional capacity for effective parenting.

Reframe the guilt: Your children benefit when you demonstrate that happiness is still possible after loss. If they see you as a martyr who can only be happy when they’re present, they’ll internalize that they’re responsible for your emotional wellbeing—an unfair burden.

Use solo time intentionally: Exercise, see friends you neglected during the marriage, pursue hobbies, attend therapy, volunteer in your community. Purposeful activity beats empty rumination.

Model resilience: “I miss you when you’re at Dad’s, and I also enjoy my yoga class and coffee with Aunt Sarah. Both things can be true.” This teaches children that people can hold complex emotions and that individual identity matters alongside family connection.

Should I buy my kids extra gifts to “make up for” the divorce?

No. Over-gifting typically stems from parental guilt and rarely benefits children. In fact, it often creates problems:

Entitlement: Children learn that crisis equals material rewards, setting up unhealthy patterns.

Anxiety: Kids wonder, “Why is Mom buying me so much? Is she sad? Is this my fault?”

Financial strain: Divorce often creates economic stress. Overspending on gifts can worsen an already tight budget and model poor financial decisions.

The comparison trap: If you try to “out-gift” your ex, you create competition that hurts children and drains your resources.

What works better: Focus on presence, not presents. Quality time, new traditions, and emotional availability matter far more than expensive toys. Research consistently shows that children of divorce value feeling heard and supported over material goods.

If finances are tight post-divorce, explain simply and honestly: “This year we’re spending less on gifts and more on experiences together—like our movie nights and Saturday pancake breakfasts. Those are the memories that last.” Most children adapt well to this shift, especially if you maintain consistency.

Age-appropriate gift guidelines: Follow the “something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read” rule. This keeps spending reasonable while covering genuine needs.

Can I bring a new partner to holiday events with my kids?

Not until the relationship is serious and stable—experts recommend waiting at least 6-9 months before introducing new romantic partners to children.¹⁰

Introducing partners prematurely creates several problems:

Emotional confusion: Children who meet multiple short-term partners struggle to form secure attachments and may become guarded or anxious about relationships.

Loyalty conflicts: Kids may feel they’re betraying the other parent by liking your new partner, especially during emotionally charged holidays.

Legal violations: Many custody agreements include “morality clauses” restricting overnight guests or requiring advance notice before introducing new partners. Violating these clauses can result in custody modifications.

When you’re ready to introduce a new partner:

1. Start with brief, low-pressure meetings (2-3 hours at a park, not overnight or at major holidays)
   2. Avoid physical affection in front of children initially
   3. Don’t give the partner parental authority (“You have to listen to Jake”)
   4. Notify your ex in advance—this is a major transition affecting your children
   5. Watch for signs of distress (regression, acting out, academic struggles) and slow down if needed

Holiday-specific advice: The first post-divorce holidays are already emotionally complex for children. Adding a new partner to the mix increases stress exponentially. Wait until at least the second holiday season, when new routines feel more settled.

What if I can’t afford to celebrate the holidays this year?

Divorce often creates significant financial strain, particularly for the parent with primary custody or lower earning capacity. Financial limitations are real—and navigating them requires both practical strategies and emotional reframing.

Free and low-cost celebration ideas:

• Borrow decorations from friends or community “holiday swap” events
• Host potluck gatherings where everyone contributes a dish
• Focus on nature: hiking, free community light displays, building snowmen
• Volunteer as a family (soup kitchens, toy drives)—teaches gratitude and connection
• Home movie nights with library DVDs and homemade popcorn
• Baking cookies together (flour, sugar, and butter cost less than $10 total)

Northern Virginia resources:

• Food for Others – Regional food bank serving Fairfax County | 703-207-9173
• Fairfax County Coordinated Services Planning – Information and referrals | 703-222-0880
• FACETS – Meals and homeless services | 703-352-5090
• Stuff the Bus – Fairfax County food donation program
• Toys for Tots – Drop-off at any Fairfax County Fire Station (through mid-December)
• Western Fairfax Christian Ministries (WFCM) – Food and financial assistance for families in Chantilly, Centreville, Clifton, Fairfax, Fairfax Station
• Burke Community Church / The 25th Project – Thanksgiving meal preparation and distribution

How to talk to children about reduced spending: Age-appropriate honesty works: “Our family budget changed after the divorce. We have enough for what we need, but we’re spending differently on wants. This year we’re doing a Secret Santa where each person gets one gift instead of many gifts. We’ll spend more time together instead.”

What children actually remember: Research from developmental psychology consistently shows that children’s strongest holiday memories center on time with family, special activities, and feeling loved—not expensive gifts or elaborate celebrations.⁷ The parent who provides emotional presence and consistency usually matters more than the parent who provides the biggest toy pile.

Financial boundaries: If your ex spends extravagantly to “win” the children’s favor, don’t compete. Explain simply: “Different houses have different budgets. In this house, we focus on time together.” Children eventually recognize authentic love versus transactional affection.

Conclusion

Navigating divorce during the holidays in Virginia requires both emotional resilience and practical legal planning. As we’ve watched many families move through this transition over the past two decades, we’ve learned that the first holiday season is genuinely hard—but it’s not hopeless.

The strategies that make the biggest difference are often the simplest: clear communication with your ex about schedules, age-appropriate honesty with your children, new traditions that honor change, and mediation to resolve conflicts before they escalate into expensive litigation.

Virginia law provides flexibility for parents who need to modify holiday arrangements, but timing  and expense matter. Mediation may be a quicker and less expensive option.

If you’re facing holiday custody challenges or need help modifying your parenting plan, we’d love to talk with you to discuss your options.

With the right support and strategies, you can create meaningful new traditions that honor your family’s evolution. Different doesn’t mean worse—it often means more authentic, more present, more genuinely connected. That’s the gift you can give yourself and your children this holiday season.

References

1. American Psychological Association. (2023). Managing holiday stress after major life transitions.
2. National Institute of Mental Health. (2023). Holiday depression statistics and risk factors.
3. American Psychological Association. (2023). Building resilience after divorce: Evidence-based strategies.
4. Virginia Code § 20-108. Custody and visitation; modifications based on material change in circumstances.
5. Kales & Kales. (2025). Internal practice data: Parenting plan modification patterns, 2010-2025. Fairfax, VA.
6. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Healthy co-parenting communication strategies.
7. Child Mind Institute. (2024). Supporting children through family transitions: The role of routine and ritual.
8. Zero to Three. (2023). Talking to young children about divorce: Age-appropriate strategies.
9. American Psychological Association. (2024). Parental self-care and child adjustment outcomes in divorced families. Journal of Family Psychology, 38(2), 156-167.
10. American Academy of Pediatrics. (2023). Introducing new partners to children after separation: Clinical guidance. Pediatrics, 152(4), e2023061411.

Amy was named to Northern Virginia Magazine’s Top Lawyers list in the mediator category in 2024 and to the Virginia Super Lawyers list in 2025 (top 5% of Virginia attorneys).

Education: Mary Washington College, B.A., 1994, George Washington University, J.D., 2003