Let yourself go. Eat only fast food. Avoid exercise. Don’t shower or shave. Let your nose, ear and all other body hair run wild.
Fight with your wife as much and as often as possible. Be as small as you can at all times. Take the low road.
Post every negative thought you have about your wife to social media, and do the same with every unflattering photo you have of her. While doing so, never forget to say to yourself: “Is there any way I could be more tactless with this post?”
Anytime you think, “I should call my therapist,” call your wife instead.
Call, email, and text your mutual friends and blame your wife for everything.
If you have the thought, “the kids should know the truth about their mom,” let your filter go and tell them “the truth.” They’ll sure benefit from your wisdom.
Play the most morose songs in your music library endlessly. The “repeat playlist” feature was made for healthy divorces.
If you’re feeling bad, self medicate. Drink. Take drugs. Binge eat.
Get into a rebound relationship as soon you can, dive in head first, and get serious fast.
If your wife chose to end the marriage, ask her why, and if she doesn’t answer, keep asking until she does, incessantly.
Hire the meanest, nastiest, most unreasonable divorce lawyer in town. Make sure that this is the kind of attorney that will ensure that your wife has no choice but to hire someone just like him/her.
Communicate every thought you have with your attorney, especially don’t miss any opportunity to reach out when you’re feeling angry and/or emotional, regardless of the cost.
Post pictures of yourself with attractive women on social media, who are clearly younger than your wife, that you have no doubt your wife will see.
If given the opportunity, have sex with your wife. This will not cause emotional harm.
Listen to the Greek Chorus. Remember, your friends and family give the best divorce advice. They’re experts, much more than your attorney and therapist.
Ask your wife to return her engagement ring. Even better, suggest she give it your daughter for her wedding day. That’s not weird.
Do not self reflect. Conclude the divorce is 100% her fault, and do not waiver.