1. Geez, you look horrible.
  2. All of our friends are so thrilled we’re getting divorced, as none of them actually like you.
  3. I’ve been unfaithful to you since day 1 of our marriage, including, without limitation, with your best friend and at least 2 of your siblings. I can’t remember all the details.
  4. You’re a terrible lover and always have been. But, there’s good news: I’ll be using my experiences with your inadequacies for good, as you’ll be featured in an upcoming magazine article for which I was interviewed: “What Do You Do When Your Spouse Is Lousy in Bed?”
  5. For Women: I told the kids Uncle [fill in the blank] is their real father. For Men: I told the kids my girlfriend is their real mother.