1. Retain the Costliest, Pit Bull Lawyer.
    Do this even though you have an average salary, few assets, little debt, and you are pretty sure you can work out child custody, visitation, and child support with your cooperative spouse. Do not consider hiring a settlement oriented divorce lawyer, and close your mind to less painful, more reasonably priced, better for you and your family options like Collaborative Divorce and mediation.
  2. Be Unprepared.
    Provide none of the documents and information your attorney requests. Alternatively, get your lawyer everything he or she requests, but do so late and present your documents as a disorganized mess stuffed in a garbage bag.
  3. Phone Your Lawyer with Reckless Abandon.
    Call about every individual question that pops into your head, without delay. Do not listen to the answers and advice you receive. Repeat this pattern daily without factoring in that you are being charged every time you contact your attorney.
  4. Focus on Payback. 
    Focus all your energies and resources on making your spouse pay for every awful thing they did during your marriage. Do not focus on your (or your children’s) future and your (or your children’s) needs moving forward.